Extreme anxiety today...started to have a panic attack in the Sandwich Shop this morning with Andrea. Couldn't sit still; had to get up and take a walk. Now have a headache that feels like an intense caffeine buzz, my heart is still racing, and I'm not sure what to do. I'd really like to take the day off of work tomorrow. I'd really like to never go back and run away and hide and cry. I feel like crying a lot, and I wish I had a friend here who I could really talk to. My coworkers are cool and fun to hang out with and all, but I can't really talk to them about my anxiety issues. I haven't panicked like this in a while and I'm just overwhelmed and everything is making me freak out. Even seeing the waitress crying at the Sandwich Shop almost made me cry, I started apologizing like crazy, and I had to leave immediately. I want a drink but I feel like any buzz will make the current panic-induced one I have even worse, maybe I should eat something (I'm starving but the thought of food makes me kind of want to vomit), I don't know what I could do that would be relaxing. Even going into the video store to pick a movie made me freak out. Too many selections. I just want to sit in a bathtub and cry and cry and cry and I really want a hug. I wish I could go to Lonnski's right now...I'd really like something familiar. I'd really like to be in Grinnell. I just want to take off somewhere so badly. And I'm so scared for law school. So scared. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.....I want this day to be over and I want to be with people I love and I'd really like all of these responsibilities to go away and leave me alone so I can just color, eat pie, listen to music, and relax for a while.

Plus movies about running away to foreign countries always make me this deliciously excited...and even more so when I might wind up doing that in the near future.

Feeling light and dreamy and fluttery...literally want to skip around my room, bounce up and down, and clap my hands.

I am so happy and in love.

Being away from Colin is so hard.

1. Because applying for law school, TFA, the Peace Corps, Grinnell Corps, and a Fulbright Scholarship = a lot of applications, a lot of interviews, and a hell of a lot more stress than I need (and I really don't know if any of the above are quite frankly what I'd like to do or simply easy ways out of having to figure out what I want to do post-graduation)
2. So I know whether I should be taking a million LSAT practice tests within the next month.
3. So I can figure out whether seeing Colin is a possibility over break or if I'm going to have to do interviews even though I'd rather go home.
4. And, on the note of Colin, so I know whether I have a chance in hell of ever seeing him again which is an incredibly scary thought but one I have to face up to seeing as at least 3 of the above options take me out of the country and the other 2 will at least be out of the city.
5. Figuring out how I feel about #4 and if I'm willing to let it influence my decision to prolong what is probably inevitable.
6. Figure out if making sacrifices for a boy (particularly one I haven't been dating for long) goes against my principles or whether that should even be important if he adds to my general happiness and I can probably do something I like wherever.
7. Beyond the boy, and much more importantly although I know they'll be around whenever I return, figuring if I want to be across an ocean from my family and best friend again.
8. So I can stop bullshitting my family/friends/professors/everyone pretending like I have a clue and am the focused pinnacle of driven perfection that they expect me to be.
9. So I can stop feeling like an asshole that my main job prospect right now is working for the circus again after graduation. I hate the circus.

Just a tad overwhelmed...now, in addition to taking over a full load of credits, I was just offered a job as a kind of TA for the Intro Soc class. While I'm really happy that I was sought out for the job and that I'll have a nice little source of income doing something I enjoy, this seems like a lot. I also found about a dozen new organizations I'm interested in at the org fair and I'm going to a meeting on Fulbright Scholarships right now and the first TFA deadline is in about 3 weeks. AHHHH!!! I don't know what I'm doing with my life. Also, I need to figure out LSAT stuff and meet with Doug Cutchins and CDO people and get my life to a less messy state of affairs. And I need to write thank you notes all of the scholarship people from this summer and to schedule a go to see Doc Sullivan and I really REALLY need to schedule all of my law school interviews if I have any intention of doing a law school tour during fall break (which I'm not even entirely certain of since I might rather do TFA or go to Indonesia next year). BLARGH.

OVERWHELMED OVERWHELMED OVERWHELMED

I vant to be alone until I can have this again.

 I'm hanging out with some people I was friends with in high school and actually enjoying it. Weird.
My mother has kind of become my friend. Weird again.
My brother is also attempting to bond with me. Weird. Weird. Weird.
I also inherited a whole new family on that end which I surprisingly really like and dinner with the pseudo-sister and her friends was really nice.
Pittsburgh is going very well overall and thats pretty strange. 

As for New York...I'm crazy excited to leave. I want to know my roommate already. I volunteered to help out at the New York Pride Parade and signed up for emails for a running group (both of which I dont know that I'll have time for...probably won't). I can't believe I'm working in Williamsburg. Random and funny. Anyway, this summer appears to be going pretty splendidly so far. I'm just excited to have my best friend back from Argentina and to see Grinnell people again.

3 pages left and a ton of stuff to pack...

Schedule:
Finish 3 pages by 10
Break (hour)
Take books to bookstore to sell
Take other books back to Stewart Library
Write thank you notes and visit Kesho/Erickson
Pick up Dad at 12:50 (Need to leave around 12ish)
Blockpartyblockpartyblockparty
Dinner with father
Pack

V Brown is pretty much the most inspiring woman I've ever met. Can I be exactly like her? Please. I don't know what else I want to do with my life but that option seems highly appealing. Except for the whole Iowa deal.
 

I know I haven't written in this in a while but I figured I'd post a little something in memorial to the fact that my life is actually pretty functional at the moment. In spite of my codependent relationship with my therapist and my mini-breakdown last week, things are looking up. Socially, things are good. Academically, things are good. I have healthy relationship with my mom now and a quasi-family (weird). Since Justin's visit, I've been feeling a lot more secure in that area too. I hate that I'm always so insecure with him. I know its because he means so much to me and all of the last-year bullshit but I felt really loved this week (not just by him but by my friends, my mom, etc.). And I'm finally getting to talk to Rachel which has been the biggest missing piece of my life since she left for Argentina. Its not as frequent as I'd like in the ideal world but it makes me happy and I'm glad things seem to be looking up for her too. At least she sounds more settled. What else? Talking at Take Back the Night was definitely an unexpected thing for me but a really good choice. Its nice to finally be honest with other people and with myself. I finally declared my gender and women's studies concentration today and did all of this stuff I've been holding off on forever. Basically, I'm feeling pretty sane and content with life. I've been really busy with Take Back the Night last week and Pride Week this week and actually enjoying my studies and doing lots of girls stuff. My body isn't being as functional as my mental/emotional state with my ballet/running-tortured feet and this horrendous cold but, in general, lots of goodness.

Also...in honor of the fact that summer is coming soon, I wanted to establish my reading list in advance (at least a preliminary draft list):
1.) "Heaven's Coast" by Mark Doty
2.) "Drag King Dreams" Leslie Feinberg
3.) "Midnight's Children" Salman Rushdie
4.) "White Noise" Don Delillo
5.) "Villette" Charlotte Bronte
and...
6.) Professor Savarese's book "Reasonable People: A Memoir of Autism and Adoption"

I love London and, despite the difficulties and sadness and anger, I needed this semester. It's been a pretty amazing experience and now I'm ready to go home, go back to my friends and the love of my life, and to change a lot of the things that made me unhappy last year. I guess I've realized that London or a specific setting isn't going to be what makes me happy/unhappy, but certain elements of London have brought out things in me that will make things better and beyond that I just need the people I care about.

I'm so not excited to pack. My room is a disaster zone. I don't have enough luggage space. I may have to buy another bag since I gave Justin my big one.

Things I'd like to do at present moment:
1.) Throw a small child across a room by their pigtails ala Matilda (Trunchbull character).
2.) Kick each librarian in British Library at least 5 times in face while giving them lecture about efficiency.
3.) Nothing that relates to work for rest of day.
4.) Nothing that makes me angry for rest of day.

AHHHHHAHGAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHHAIIIIHATETODAYSOMUCHFUCKYOULONDONANDGRINNELLINLONDON ANDEVERYTHINGELSE

Ugghh...I don't think I've been this annoyed with people in a long time. 

I think I'll like Hannah Wilkes. Today is going to be an art day, I think. A few galleries and perhaps a trip to Borough Market in between since I've been looking forward to that for the last two weeks. I think I'm getting a hang on London. I realy enjoy the place (even if I do get homesick sometimes). It was nice waking up this morning and eating rice pudding on my windowsill and looking out to tons of buildings and cars and people rather than cornfields and cornfields and stressful academia. I'm pretty decided that I'm living in New York after graduation. Well...New York is probably the first choice but I'd be happy with a range of big cities. Chicago, Seattle, San Francisco, Toronto, etc. would also be thoroughly acceptable choices. Cities are for me: I like apartments so much better than I like houses, I like city noises (and I fall asleep better when I hear cars outside), I like always having stuff to do and reading city papers and feeling overwhelmed by options, and I love public transit and gigantic markets and street festivals and neurotic people and so much more. Sometimes I think it would be really cool to go back and teach at Grinnell. Then I remember teaching at Grinnell requires living in Iowa and yea...thats never happening.

I got the job I wanted, I have a Prince ticket for tomorrow night (and it was free at that), and, as of tomorrow, I only have one month left until a very very wonderful visitor is coming in and thinking about it and planning for it makes me happy. I also am going on a fabulous hiking trip this weekend and am crazy amounts of excited to be all wilderness-y in the Lake District. Life is pretty good.

P.S. Things I'd like to have in London that Would Make me Even Happier:
1.) A library card or one/all of the following books: the complete works of edgar allen poe, the collection of Joyce Carol Oates short stories, or Geek Love
2.) My ipod. Dear God, I want my ipod. I miss music.
3.) A box of crappy Kraft Macaroni and Cheese because this fancy stuff just isn't cutting it and I've been craving "good"(in other words horrible plastic rubbish) macaroni and cheese since I got here.
4.) Mon cher poodle.

Not in that order.

I have a pretty damn good life. Exhausting but very good. I'm in an absolutely lovely city with great theatre and lots of fun places to explore and perfect squares for book-reading and markets which sell delicious delicious cheeses and other delightful things. My boyfriend is visiting in I think it will be around 30-something days now. And I love said guy very much. And I'm sure we'll have a fabulous break together after all of this is done. My next semester will be even better because I think I'll be able to handle everything in Grinnell. Also, all of this really helps to put my Grinnell bubble into perspective. I'm learning how to relax a bit which is nice. I'm learning that I don't have to go crazy to do well and I'm beginning to learn that I can handle stuff and have fun on my own, although the company (particularly a certain boyfriendy company is very nice as well). I'm learning that not all females are evil and back-stabbing. And I am not a freakish psycho. Maybe just a psycho. But hopefully a loveable one. I think I'm going to be happy. Not just now but in the general scheme of things. I've worked my ass off and I generally try my damndest to figure out what I want. I think that will help. Now I just need to balance that with sitting back and letting everything fall together, I'll be all set. Speaking of falling together, I want to play online tetris before I go to sleep because I like doing inane stuff. Tootles.