Log in

No account? Create an account
19 July 2009 @ 05:32 pm
Extreme anxiety today...started to have a panic attack in the Sandwich Shop this morning with Andrea. Couldn't sit still; had to get up and take a walk. Now have a headache that feels like an intense caffeine buzz, my heart is still racing, and I'm not sure what to do. I'd really like to take the day off of work tomorrow. I'd really like to never go back and run away and hide and cry. I feel like crying a lot, and I wish I had a friend here who I could really talk to. My coworkers are cool and fun to hang out with and all, but I can't really talk to them about my anxiety issues. I haven't panicked like this in a while and I'm just overwhelmed and everything is making me freak out. Even seeing the waitress crying at the Sandwich Shop almost made me cry, I started apologizing like crazy, and I had to leave immediately. I want a drink but I feel like any buzz will make the current panic-induced one I have even worse, maybe I should eat something (I'm starving but the thought of food makes me kind of want to vomit), I don't know what I could do that would be relaxing. Even going into the video store to pick a movie made me freak out. Too many selections. I just want to sit in a bathtub and cry and cry and cry and I really want a hug. I wish I could go to Lonnski's right now...I'd really like something familiar. I'd really like to be in Grinnell. I just want to take off somewhere so badly. And I'm so scared for law school. So scared. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.....I want this day to be over and I want to be with people I love and I'd really like all of these responsibilities to go away and leave me alone so I can just color, eat pie, listen to music, and relax for a while.
23 November 2008 @ 01:12 am
Plus movies about running away to foreign countries always make me this deliciously excited...and even more so when I might wind up doing that in the near future.
23 November 2008 @ 01:10 am
Feeling light and dreamy and fluttery...literally want to skip around my room, bounce up and down, and clap my hands.

I am so happy and in love.
06 November 2008 @ 04:23 pm
Being away from Colin is so hard.
1. Because applying for law school, TFA, the Peace Corps, Grinnell Corps, and a Fulbright Scholarship = a lot of applications, a lot of interviews, and a hell of a lot more stress than I need (and I really don't know if any of the above are quite frankly what I'd like to do or simply easy ways out of having to figure out what I want to do post-graduation)
2. So I know whether I should be taking a million LSAT practice tests within the next month.
3. So I can figure out whether seeing Colin is a possibility over break or if I'm going to have to do interviews even though I'd rather go home.
4. And, on the note of Colin, so I know whether I have a chance in hell of ever seeing him again which is an incredibly scary thought but one I have to face up to seeing as at least 3 of the above options take me out of the country and the other 2 will at least be out of the city.
5. Figuring out how I feel about #4 and if I'm willing to let it influence my decision to prolong what is probably inevitable.
6. Figure out if making sacrifices for a boy (particularly one I haven't been dating for long) goes against my principles or whether that should even be important if he adds to my general happiness and I can probably do something I like wherever.
7. Beyond the boy, and much more importantly although I know they'll be around whenever I return, figuring if I want to be across an ocean from my family and best friend again.
8. So I can stop bullshitting my family/friends/professors/everyone pretending like I have a clue and am the focused pinnacle of driven perfection that they expect me to be.
9. So I can stop feeling like an asshole that my main job prospect right now is working for the circus again after graduation. I hate the circus.
27 August 2008 @ 03:27 pm
Just a tad overwhelmed...now, in addition to taking over a full load of credits, I was just offered a job as a kind of TA for the Intro Soc class. While I'm really happy that I was sought out for the job and that I'll have a nice little source of income doing something I enjoy, this seems like a lot. I also found about a dozen new organizations I'm interested in at the org fair and I'm going to a meeting on Fulbright Scholarships right now and the first TFA deadline is in about 3 weeks. AHHHH!!! I don't know what I'm doing with my life. Also, I need to figure out LSAT stuff and meet with Doug Cutchins and CDO people and get my life to a less messy state of affairs. And I need to write thank you notes all of the scholarship people from this summer and to schedule a go to see Doc Sullivan and I really REALLY need to schedule all of my law school interviews if I have any intention of doing a law school tour during fall break (which I'm not even entirely certain of since I might rather do TFA or go to Indonesia next year). BLARGH.

26 August 2008 @ 08:48 am
I vant to be alone until I can have this again.

27 May 2008 @ 12:41 pm
 I'm hanging out with some people I was friends with in high school and actually enjoying it. Weird.
My mother has kind of become my friend. Weird again.
My brother is also attempting to bond with me. Weird. Weird. Weird.
I also inherited a whole new family on that end which I surprisingly really like and dinner with the pseudo-sister and her friends was really nice.
Pittsburgh is going very well overall and thats pretty strange. 

As for New York...I'm crazy excited to leave. I want to know my roommate already. I volunteered to help out at the New York Pride Parade and signed up for emails for a running group (both of which I dont know that I'll have time for...probably won't). I can't believe I'm working in Williamsburg. Random and funny. Anyway, this summer appears to be going pretty splendidly so far. I'm just excited to have my best friend back from Argentina and to see Grinnell people again.
Current Music: "Love Today" Mika (nerd)
16 May 2008 @ 06:27 am
3 pages left and a ton of stuff to pack...

Finish 3 pages by 10
Break (hour)
Take books to bookstore to sell
Take other books back to Stewart Library
Write thank you notes and visit Kesho/Erickson
Pick up Dad at 12:50 (Need to leave around 12ish)
Dinner with father
30 April 2008 @ 07:25 pm
V Brown is pretty much the most inspiring woman I've ever met. Can I be exactly like her? Please. I don't know what else I want to do with my life but that option seems highly appealing. Except for the whole Iowa deal.